Chick lit and I have a love-hate relationship.

Not-Old-Enough-To-Drive Ashley adored Bridget Jones. College Ashley loved spunky Cannie Shapiro and cooed over Jemima J, that sassy Brit who dropped lots of weight to become beautiful and marry a real American hunk. I mean, his name was BRAD. Who could possibly be hunkier to an early-2000s girl than a Brad?

Wanting to change yourself, the idea of losing weight and becoming lesser to become more is a concept that runs thicker in chick-lit novels than chocolate rivulets through rocky road. Some not-so-small (pun intended) part of me has always identified with these characters, with their yearnings and fervent belief that they were Befores on their way to an After. They always found their After, always.

“Dietland” by Sarai Walker isn’t that kind of book. It’s a bold, subversive take on what it means to be a woman, what it means to be fat, what it means to work toward comfort in your own skin. The main character Plum—who takes an honored place next to Scout Finch, Mary Ann Spier and Hermione Granger in my heart—is awaiting weight-loss surgery and, to a much larger degree, the start of her life. She’s named the thin woman she’ll become: Alicia. And she knows all of their Afters, Plum and Alicia: the clothes they’ll wear, the men they’ll meet, the adventures they’ll have.

Plum realizes something that I keep waiting to realize: That she can’t wait for her After to start living. That she’s already living her life and if she waits to dress, say, think and do what she wants until her body is where she wants it—well, it will never happen.

As I work to dive back into my book and into the creative juices I know are still flowing, I’m grappling with this. All my Afters, tucked into a box with a velvet bow waiting to be opened. After I’m a successful author, I’ll spend hours a day writing. (Uhh, how do you plan to become a successful author if you say that for an After, Ash?) After I finish this first book, I’ll spend more time reading. (Writers read. A lot. It’s not a luxury.)

I don’t know the answer yet…but if Plum can find it, so can I.